Know Your Stars Stargate SG1
by Chibi Horsewoman
Summary: Well, I really don't know what I'm doing here, but thanks to an AIM convo I'm spoofing the SG1 cast. Villains and good guys
1. First Victim Anubis

**Know Your Stars Stargate SG-1**

**Summary: This is what happens when someone who has never really watched more than forty-five minutes of SG-1 decides to write Stargate fanfiction. She decides to combine the All That skit 'Know your Stars' and SG-1 and runs wild. But don't worry, I'm starting to watch the show more and I have friends to help me **

**Disclaimer: My, this is an occasion. You know that bitter taste in your throat; it's kind of wrapped around your uvula, that'd be what's left of your pride- O'Neill. **

**Dedication: I would like to thank anyone who reads this. I'm sorry world. **

**Victim One: Anubis Part One **

Anubis is wandering around aimlessly- well okay what does he do when he's not being evil, crochet? Okay let's say that Anubis is crocheting a lovely afghan when a hole forms underneath his rear end and the most evilest guy around is plopped down in a chair. (Yes I know that he really doesn't have a body but work with me okay?)

"What the (Bleep) ? Who the (Bleep) is responsible for this?" Anubis is struggling and cursing- the delay software is thankfully editing all his swear words. Well I hope it doesn't over load.

"Know your stars… Know your stars… Know your stars Anubis from… Uh... dammit where are you from?" a mysterious voice asks… she sounds a bit confused.

"How the (bleep) can you not know where I'm from? You brought me here!" Anubis goes to lunge at the voice, but is immediately restrained by the chair.

"Well, tough that I don't know where you're from. I only just started watching the show. Anyways… Anubis uh… he sleeps with a pink teddy bear named Mr. Snooky Ookums."

"He's _not_ pink he's fuchsia and… I mean how the (bleep) Did you find that out?"

"Well, you see. I read it in the National Enquirer that O'Neill gave me." You can just picture the voice smirking

"And you actually believe everything you read in there?" Anubis chortles

A sigh is heard. "Well, not really, but since you actually defended the color of said bear I can safely assume it's true. Anubis… it's rumored that one of the unspeakable charges against him is the theft of an Easy Bake Oven from a certain Dr Jackson."

Again Anubis tries to rush towards the sound of the voice and again he is restrained- let's just say I kept this chair from another fanfic I did of a similar nature. Since he can't really go anywhere now Anubis pouts. "Hey I was hungry and you would have done the same."

"Uh hardly… I don't steal. Besides how could you have been hungry after eating the council's cookies?" (1)

"Trust me, if you tasted what the council calls baked goods you would have agreed that you'd be better off eating a Frisbee."

The voice smirks- you can just see the wheels in her head going around and around. "Anubis, he eats Frisbees."

"Why would I do a thing like that you infernal bitch?"

"Listen jackass, you call me out of my name one more time and I'm going to tell everyone the truth of your little relationship details and they won't be pretty." The voice snaps. "So don't… actually you know what screw bargaining" She picks up a sheaf of papers and flips through them. "Yes! Anubis, he's dating Icy Trix from Winx Club." (2)

"What? Why the (bleep) would I want to go out with that frigid bitch?" Anubis snarls and tries to get free. But to no avail.

"Because you can't get anyone else?" The voice sticks out her tongue- picture it okay?

"I could probably get you."

"I'd like to get you to go away…. Oh, I just found this too! Anubis was kicked out of kindergarten for eating other kids' paste."

"Heh and I stole it from them too."

"Just like you kept stealing Barbie Dolls from the ancients…. Which by the way is another reason they kicked you out. Friggin' klepto."

"Psychotic Bitch."

"Would you care to repeat that?"

"Psychotic Bitch." Anubis smirks

The voice destroys Anubis' knitting supplies. "Thanks for the compliment."

Anubis starts to tear up. "You burned my blanket! Prepare to die." (3)

"Uh how about later? And you're starting to bore me."

"What do you mean?" Anubis is suddenly sucked up through a tube.

"And don't hurry back now ya hear? Now you know Anubis… kind of…."

_**End… kind of**_

**Well, that was my first attempt at a Stargate SG-1 fanfic. I know it was painful, but please don't kill me. Just read, review and give suggestions for who I should use next and what to do to them. Credit will be given.**

**1.) Suggested by my friend Charles**

**2.) Also suggested by Charles**

**3.) Misuse of a quote from some movie that goes: You killed my brother prepare to die**


	2. Second Victim: Daniel Jackson

**Know Your Stars Stargate SG-1**

**Summary: This is what happens when someone who has never really watched more than five episodes of SG-1 decides to write Stargate fanfiction. She decides to combine the All That skit 'Know your Stars' and SG-1 and runs wild. But don't worry, I'm starting to watch the show more and I have friends to help me**

**Disclaimer:**: **I'm sorry to interrupt, but umm…if you brought us here to try and convert us, it is fair to tell you that we are really not in the market for new gods**. **Dr. Daniel Jackson**

**Dedication: This is for a bunch of crazy people. DUCKIE. And the Red Squirrel Army- we know who we are.**

**Victim Two: Dr Daniel Jacks**on

The voice was bored and very disappointed. She thought that Anubis, being the nut job he is would have been more entertaining. Instead he was almost snore inducing.  
So she decided to get Daniel Jackson instead. In order to do so the voice scattered around some ancient artifacts in hopes of catching the archeologist. Within minutes the blue eyed civilian member of SG-1 was following the trail of ancient debris and muttering to himself about rude inconsiderate people who had no respect for the past.

Since the trail was very long and Daniel was tired of muttering to himself he sat down in the chair which was on a stage and illuminated by a few bright lights. As soon as he did that a voice began to annoy him.

"Know your stars. Know your stars. Know your stars Daniel Jackson he wishes that he could be the Verizon Wireless guy so he could ask people if they could hear him now instead of being an archeologist who dies a lot."

"I… I do not!" Daniel sputtered.

"Oh? So you like dying all the time and being stuck inside a diner?" The voice countered.

"Well, no. But I like being an archeologist."

"Who dies all the time. Daniel Jackson, his multiple deaths are a ploy to reach Nirvana sooner(1)."

"Now that is just ridiculous."

"Hey it's in the script." The voice tosses a copy of her script to Daniel and it lands on his head. "Don't blame me"

"Ow. Was that really necessary?" The blue eyed man was rubbing his head.

"Not really, but I haven't thrown a book at someone recently. Daniel Jackson he is in love with waffles. Infact he is so in love with waffles that he wants to marry them."

"That's illogical. One cannot marry food."

"Daniel Jackson he is willing to give his life for waffles."

"I am _not_!" Daniel is getting a bit agitated by the voice, but she really doesn't care. "I do not love waffles in that way! And I won't marry waffles!"

"Would you marry me?" The voice asks suddenly

"No! Because you're rude and obnoxious."

The voice drops a plant on Daniel's head. "Daniel Jackson he is Timmy's father."

"Timmy? From where?" Daniel is now confused again. He looks really cute that way.

"Timmy from Winx Club. He's a really nerdy looking hero?"

"Well, that's really… not true!"

"Oh really? Well, I think I have proof." Timmy appears in a cloud of blue smoke. "Observe exhibit one. Timmy."

Timmy looks angry at this explanation. "Hey! I'm not an exhibit! I'm a person!" He shouts

"Yeah whatever. Tim, say hello to your father." The voice says casually.

"But he's not my father! My father is back in my realm…."

"Ooh this is so tragic. Daniel Jackson the son he had with Vala doesn't love him."

Daniel looks from the ceiling to Timmy and back to the ceiling. "But I only just met Vala! This kid is what seventeen?"

"Eighteen years, three months and well you get the picture." Timmy corrected.

"This is just utterly tragic." The voice is fake sobbing now. "What kind of father are you?"

Daniel sighs. "The kind who doesn't have kids."

The voice gasps in fake shock. "Well we'll just see about that." She mutters.

Suddenly a bright light appears and a woman with long dark hair is dropped unceremoniously into Daniel's lap.

"Hey Vala! Say hello to your kid!" The voice shouts

The dark haired woman face faults. "This is not happening."

"What you don't remember that time you and Daniel well… you know?" The voice wiggles her eyebrows. (Just picture it okay?)

"I try not to." Vala retorted

"Hey can I go now?" Timmy asked

"Who is that? Daniel is he your kid?"

"Yes, you're annoying me." The voice said and suddenly Timmy disappeared.

"Hey can I leave too?" Daniel is almost begging. "I have papers to file, and I was going to help Sam with some translations."

"No! I'm not finished with you yet! Daniel Jackson, who can't remember his own son, he thinks that Vala is an escapee from a mental institution." You can just picture the voice grinning like a fool.

Vala's face starts to change color. "You think _what_!" She gasped lunging at Daniel's neck.

Daniel dodges her and they start having a knock down drag out no holds barred fight on the stage. The archeologist goes for the chair and tries to smash it over the dark haired thief's head. However Vala rolled out of the way.

"Hey stop! Ooh! Why is it that every time I have more than one character from a show they start trashing my set?" The voice moans. "What is with you guys?"

Vala and Daniel ignore the voice's whining and continue to rumble. It's beginning to look like a knock off of WWE (Which this author doesn't watch because it's just plain stupid) when Vala gets an edge over Daniel and decides to remind him of the good time they had on board Prometheus- you know that part where she kissed him?

Well, Daniel's reaction was of course reflective of their times on Prometheus. "You are such a fruitcake!" He shouted wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Vala did what only Vala could do, she head butted Daniel so hard that he fell over…. Then of course she did the same.

The voice paused from calling a SWAT team. "And now you know Dr. Daniel Jackson who is romantically involved with waffles and whose son is a cartoon character."

**_The end_ **

**Hey thanks for reading… please review. I'm sorry I couldn't do Teal'C as the second chapter. I was just inspired by Daniel Jackson**.

**1.) If anyone who knows more about Buddhism than me can explain, I'd be very appreciative. From what I understand it's when you reach the end of being reincarnated**


	3. Third Victim: Col O'Neill

**Know Your Stars Stargate SG-1**

**Summary: This is what happens when someone who has never really watched more than five episodes of SG-1 decides to write Stargate fanfiction. She decides to combine the All That skit 'Know your Stars' and SG-1 and runs wild. But don't worry, I'm starting to watch the show more and I have friends to help me**

**Note: I did some offensive stuff in this one. I hope no one gets mad.**

**Disclaimer:** **I ask you. What could _possibly_ be in my _eye_ that could explain this! Col. O'Neill**.

**Dedication: This is for DUCKIE. Because without him I would have no ideas what so ever! Bookworm37 because the girl is crazy I tell you! And the Red Squirrel Army- we know who we are.**

**Victim Three: Col. Jack O'Neill **

**Or: Where the Hell is my Steak?**

The voice had finally gotten rid of Daniel and Vala thanks to some help from the props people and the Red Squirrel army so she decided to find someone else to torment.

So the voice places a sign in front of the door that says 'Free Steaks!' and soon Colonel Jack O'Neill shows up and situates himself in the chair on stage which coincidentally has been placed by a table with a bottle of A-1 steak sauce.

"Know your stars. Know your stars. Know your stars…" The voice choruses silently praying that this guy is comical. "Colonel Jack O'Neill he blew up Moscow."

Col. O'Neill shakes his head. "Hey, where the hell is my steak?" the grey haired man is obviously not concerned with what the voice is saying.

The voice tries again a bit louder. "Colonel Jack O'Neill he blew up Moscow!"

"I did nothing of the sort, that was Daniel. He's always blowing things up." O'Neill shrugs "Now where are my steaks?"

Daniel stumbles in warily after being mentioned. "That was not me! That was an illusion by the Goa'uld. And I am not always blowing things up! You're the one with the gun!"

"Hey! Stop! Look, Daniel if I give you something will you leave?" The voice asks. She's trying to avoid having to call the SWAT team again. Because face it cleaning is not one of her strong points. "How about some nice yummy waffles?"

"How about no?" Daniel replied

"Hey can I have some of those waffles?" Jack asked petulantly. He was really hoping for some steaks, but waffles would do.

"No." The voice replied

"But why does he get waffles?"

"He's not!"

"But you just said…."

"Hey Daniel how about I give you something really cool to do research on?" The voice asked sweetly

Daniel Jackson looked suspiciously in the direction of the voice. "Like what?"

"I don't know… what about alternatives to psychiatric medicine?" The voice was pulling things from midfield.

"But I'm an archeologist."

"Well then study ancient psychiatric medicines."

"And how is that cool?" Daniel was getting annoyed.

"I have no idea just do it!" Thunder rumbled the stage lights up and Daniel Jackson runs out the door. "It's good to be queen."

"So what about my steak?" Jack O'Neill asked again as Daniel's rear end retreated out the door.

"It's coming. Jack O'Neill… uh… you're not armed are you?" The voice asks warily.

"No of course not. Why would you think such a thing?" A light shines on Jack exposing the small pistol in his back pocket. "Oh that… I forgot about that."

"I just bet you did." The voice groans

"Do you want to frisk me? You know make sure I'm not packing anything else?" Jack grins

"No sorry. You're a bit too old for me. Actually make that a lot too old for me."

"Oh and how old are you?"

"How old are you?"

"I asked you first." O'Neill pointed out.

"Whatever. Jack O'Neill, he prances around in underpants that he stole from Carter."

"What? I do not! That's just crazy." Jack sputters

"Oh can you prove it?" The voice taunts

The voice realizes she really should have kept her mouth closed on that one when Colonel Jack O'Neill got out of his chair and began to unbuckle his belt,

"Okay you know what? Don't do that!"

"Well you said prove it." Jack argued.

"Well I didn't mean that you should flash me!" The voice shot back.

"Well how else was I supposed to prove it?"

"Don't know and don't care! Jack O'Neill he thinks he's MacGyver (1)."

One of Jack O'Neill's eyebrows goes up. " I _what_?"

"Yep. You go around trying to make nuclear reactors out of shoe laces and rubber bands."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Of course."

"Now if only I could make a steak out of a shoelace and a rubber band." Jack grumbled.

"Well, maybe you could make a gun from a shoelace, a rubber band and a paperclip. Then you can kill a cow and make your own damn steaks!"

"But what if I wanted a shark steak instead?"

"You know what? I don't really care what you want!" The voice was losing her cool quickly.

"Then why did you put up the sign for free steaks?"

"Because I needed someone dumb and gullible who was probably hungry and I got you." The voice grinned triumphantly.

"You know if I wanted that kind of abuse I'd well probably end up talking to goa'uld."

"Then maybe you should."

"Then maybe I will." Jack gets up and heads for the door. "And by the way! The service here sucks!"

After Colonel O'Neill leaves the voice sinks into her chair. "And now you know Colonel Jack O'Neill AKA MacGyver." She pauses and downs two Excedrine Migraine. "I am so going to make Duckie do the next interview for me because now I need a vacation."

_**End!**_

**Ok so how was that? Was it worth the wait? Is it at least worth some reviews? I hope so.**

**Well will the voice get her friend Duckie to take over for her? Only time will tell.**

**1.) Back in the eighties Richard Dean Anderson played a character named MacGyver who was constantly building things from other things. I just figured I'd add that.**


	4. Fourth Victim: Col Carter

**Know Your Stars Stargate SG-1**

**Summary: This is what happens when someone who has never really watched more than five episodes of SG-1 decides to write Stargate fanfiction. She decides to combine the All That skit 'Know your Stars' and SG-1 and runs wild. But don't worry, I'm starting to watch the show more and I have friends to help me**

**Note: Only one review for my last chapter. I'm kind of hurt. I thought I did a good job. And Duckie's real name is Charles, I'm the only one allowed to call him Duckie**

**Disclaimer:** **I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle. **- Captain Carter

**Dedication: Same dedications as last time, and guess what I so own Duckie now!**

**Victim Four: Colonel Carter**

**Or: Changing of the Guards part one**

The stage is set, a nice comfortable chair is vacant and there are two voices arguing.

"Come on Duckie please." A female voice begged. "I'll make it up to you."

"How Meg? I don't even know why you think you need a vacation." A male voice who was probably Duckie argued back. "You've only interviewed three people."

"Jack tried to flash me! Trust me I _need_ a vacation." Meg tried to use her puppy dog eyes. "Please? You get to spend time with the SGC. Even if it isn't exactly direct contact."

"Can I interview Carter?"

"You can interview Anubis again for all I care. Just please do this for me."

Duckie sighed audibly (we can assume it was Duckie because it was a deep sigh) "Fine. But you have to be back soon or I'll come looking for you and you'll never be able to finish this story."

Meg hugged Duckie "Thanks you're the best. Your notes are there on the desk!" And with that the female voice ran out the door leaving Duckie by himself.

Duckie sank down into the chair hidden in a shadowy loft and laid his head on the desk. "What have I gotten myself in to?"

A few hours later Duckie had figured out how to lure Colonel Carter into the secret room. He had managed to start a rumor that a piece of engineering equipment was broken and needed fixing. Sure enough Colonel Samantha Carter came in with the blueprints for a few different pieces of machinery and sat down in the chair on the stage to read them.

As soon as she sat down all hell broke loose. "Know your stars. Know your stars. Know your stars… Samantha Carter, she has killed people during PMS." Duckie's eyes went big as he read that from the notebook. "No way!" He whispered.

"I've done _what_?" Carter gasped.

"You heard me. You killed people during PMS. Why didn't you just take some Pamprin?"

"Because all the military gives out is Motrin. (1)" Carter replied with a shrug. "Besides your information is way off. I have never killed anyone during PMS."

"Ok."

"Good."

"Colonel Samantha Carter, she has killed people without being on PMS."

"Well okay I guess that's fair."

"Carter, She's a convicted serial killer."

"I think that's going a bit too far."

Duckie blushed. "But it's in the notes."

"_Notes_? You have notes for this thing?" Sam is shocked beyond belief.

"Uh yeah. Colonel Carter, she cheated her way through military academy."

"You are out of your damn mind! I have never cheated on anything!"

"Sorry." Duckie pauses and flips through the note book. As he does this he briefly considered injuring Meg for being so disorganized. The whole cheating in the military academy wasn't even for Sam! It was about Colonel Maybourne! "Colonel Carter. She originally wanted to be in the Galaxy police (2) but was beat out by Mihoshi. (3)"

"I did what now? Galaxy police?"

"Yes."

"Well aren't I in the Galaxy Police now since I'm a member of SGC?" Carter reasoned.

"Well no, you're an Air Force officer."

"Ok you've got me there. What else do those notes say about me?"

"Uh… Colonel Samantha Carter. She played Hongo Yui in Fushigi Yugi."

"As what the voice?" Sam asked sounding amused.

"No, as the actual character." Duckie replied softly.

"How the hell could I do something like that?"

"Don't ask me. I'm just reading things from this notebook."

"Well, does that notebook have something in there that could actually be true?" Sam shot back. She was getting tired of this and hungry. She wanted three steaks, a diet soda and French fries. She wondered if there were maybe some Lifesavers in her BDUs.

Duckie flipped through the notebook and found something very interesting. "Colonel Samantha Carter- she likes to wear Col. Jack O'Neill's underwear." (4)

Sam turned a vivid shade of crimson then had a coughing fit. When she finally recovered she started gasping like a fish out of water trying to come up with words- any words would do. "How the hell did you find that out?" Sam finally asked then turned candy apple red again. You know maybe those weren't the words she was looking for.

Duckie nearly fell out of his chair in surprise. "Meg was right?"

Sam tried in vain to compose herself but it was too late. "I would like to know how the hell you found out about my private life." She demanded in an authoritive tone of voice- which come to think of it is very easy considering that she's a colonel.

Duckie tried not to wet himself. "Sorry ma'am. As I've said before I'm just reading from this notebook that my friend left me."

"Well I'm calling JAG on your friend." Sam said angrily. "Right now!" And with that Sam rushed out of the room. Of course she wasn't about to call JAG but Duckie didn't know that.

Back in the room a very nervous Duckie whispered. "And now you know Colonel Samantha Carter"

_**She was naked when I got here, I swear… I mean end!**_

**1.) **This is a military joke mostly in the Army. The military gives Motrin for everything. (IE: Oh you broke your toe, here have some Motrin, Oh you lost your foot, here have some Motrin)

**2.) **The police force in Tenchi Muyo that was after Ryoko (a character from the show)

**3.) **Another character from Tenchi Muyo. She's a ditz

**4.) **Thank you BookWorm37 for the idea.

**Well, read review and have some chicken and some ideas. Thank you**


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